“Toxic Expectations”

by Jessica Kuzmier

     Sometimes, it seems like the world is just one big set of unending demands. Everyone thinks they have a really good reason to demand what they do of you. Hardly anyone or anything that makes unreasonable demands comes up to you and says, hi, I'm unreasonable, fix me. Usually, magnanimous demands come couched in phraseology such as, if you loved yourself enough, you'd do it, if you loved me enough, you'd do it, and if you cared enough about anything, you'd do it. God/Allah/Yaweh/The Universe needs it (who can turn down the Almighty?). These are some of the laudable excuses lobbed to demand of your precious and limited supply of time and energy.

     But how reasonable is it? In the Christian tradition, Jesus of Nazareth is part of the deity of the Godhead. But even he didn't heal all of the sick, and took time to be alone with God. So if God Himself cuts Himself a break, then maybe it is time to give ourselves one. It is also a bit of a spiritual axiom that we attract the lessons we need to learn. In other words, if it consistently seems as though demanding people are showing up, then the lesson might be that a need for boundaries must be learned.

     Perhaps, what others are demanding from you, you need to give to yourself and your own soul. If you constantly deal with angry people, maybe unresolved anger remains in your life despite all attempts to be "nice" and to "act yourself into right thinking". Acting right is good in itself, perhaps to prevent other immediate harm from taking place, but when "doing the right thing" turns into a kind of anesthesia that is an excuse for not looking at what your inner self is telling you, this can be a problem.

     In the Jungian model, all parts of the personality are an integral part of the authentic self. Denying any part of yourself is what leads to neurosis in this framework. This is when a person, despite the best intentions, acts contrary to what he or she sets out to do. Demands on the self that are unrealistic, in the sense of burying the "unacceptable" parts underground where they cannot be seen, does not lead to healing, but more to a disquieting sense of something being wrong. It is because even in the disconnected state, these shadows still remain, and will demand attention, even if it mens wreaking havoc or causing sickness in order to do so.

     It is possible this conflict is due to unmet expectations in the other person. Sometimes it is the overt: "You didn't take out the garbage! We had an agreement!". Or more ephemeral manifestations, where the arguments feel displaced and unresolved no matter how much arguing goes on; the conversation becomes circular, and people are more frustrated than when they started out. At that point, it just leads to "justifiable lambasting", like calling up peers and sympathizing what jerks our lovers are. One calls up one member of a group to gang up on someone who isn't there, or pits family members against one another. In the famous "Romeo and Juliet" , the family fighting got so bad that the Montagues and Capulets didn't even know what they were fighting about anymore. But the fighting was more important than any resolution, and it took the loss of their beloved children to bring all the nonsense to a halt.

     Does this mean wantonly capitulating to people? Not necessarily. But it does mean that perhaps a resolution that never seems to be found, it may mean that the source of frustration is within yourself. Maybe you are expecting too much out of a particular relationship. Or you are expecting too much of yourself. The Bible sets high standards for human behavior, but in the Christian tradition, even God understands that we would never reach the ideal in this life. This is why he sent His Son as a token of sacrificial love, to redeem the world through grace. Perhaps if it is possible the Supreme Being lets us off the hook through grace and forgiveness, we, as a small part of the universe should do the same for ourselves and others. Because if the Supreme Being is willing to love us despite out imperfections, loving us whether we fulfill His Agenda or not, who is man that he won't do it for himself or his fellow human beings?