{"id":519,"date":"2011-08-05T08:58:28","date_gmt":"2011-08-05T12:58:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jkuzmier.com\/blog\/?p=519"},"modified":"2011-08-05T09:03:36","modified_gmt":"2011-08-05T13:03:36","slug":"too-hip-for-those-mom-pants","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jkuzmier.com\/blog\/short-stories\/too-hip-for-those-mom-pants.htm","title":{"rendered":"Too Hip For Those Mom Pants"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Too<\/a>
\n\u201c…and hon! you look so good! Where did you get the sweater?\u201d\t<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, this thing? Well, you know. You wouldn\u2019t believe it, but it\u2019s old. From back home. I just haven\u2019t had any reason to wear it anyplace here. And I can\u2019t believe I\u2019m walking around wearing it, but it\u2019s so hard to find anything good to buy in this stinking place. My crap from ten years ago is more hip. I wish I were back home where I could shop for real. The malls here suck!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, I know, right? It\u2019s like, they just haven\u2019t heard of like, fashion, for Christ\u2019s sake. Everyone here dresses like a bunch of hokey hicks. It\u2019s like they all have a mass case of depression here but are too ignorant to know it. It makes me want to up my antidepressants. \u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know, I know. My dumb husband thinks everyone here is so nice. But what does he know? He can\u2019t read people at all.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know! If he dressed himself, he\u2019d look like everyone around here.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know, like a bum. He just doesn\u2019t get it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMen. They are just like, so clueless. I mean, just his whole thing about moving here to live in the country crap. He wants to \u2018live natural\u2019. You know what that means, right?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, sure! He gets to sit outside all day pointing a gun at a deer falling asleep with a six pack. You get to stay at home in the middle of nowhere with no stores, like anywhere. Then he comes back to a home cooked meal, cooked by who?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s just so ridiculous. My luck, if he ever kills one of those stupid things, he\u2019ll drag it home whole, so me the \u2018little woman\u2019 can do all of the gross stuff. I\u2019m just glad he\u2019s too stupid to know how to shoot the thing.\u201d <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s with these dumbass guys? They get these idiotic ideas of thinking they\u2019re some kind of mountain man. Meanwhile, the closest my guy has gotten to hiking a mountain was climbing up the Statue of Liberty. It just makes no sense.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd why would they want to be a mountain man anyway? Most of them are like, so disgusting. I mean, have they ever heard of a shower?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, I guess that explains the women around here. They can\u2019t take care of themselves, or their men.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know! Haven\u2019t these women ever heard of jeans that fit? They wear \u2018mom pants\u2019 even when they\u2019re in public. They all look like potato sacks. \u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s because they are potato sacks. Have you seen how fat they are?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow could I not? They take up the whole aisle in the store. God, learn to push yourself away from the plate, please. It is disgusting.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s because all they eat is fast food. They don\u2019t know how to eat food like we learned back home.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s no good restaurants here! No one knows how to cook!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know. It\u2019s a shame. I can\u2019t believe I let my stupid guy make me come here to live. He\u2019s such a jerk, and I\u2019m the idiot who keeps trusting him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, I know. What we do for those guys, and look where it gets us. Nowhere.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUh-huh. That\u2019s exactly where we are, hon. The middle of nowhere.\u201d<\/p>\n

The girl behind the counter sighed as she listened to the two women complaining. She then asked: “Are you going to order anything?” <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201c…and hon! you look so good! Where did you get the sweater?\u201d \u201cOh, this thing? Well, you know. You wouldn\u2019t believe it, but it\u2019s old. From back home. I just haven\u2019t had any reason to wear it anyplace here. And I can\u2019t believe I\u2019m walking around wearing it, but it\u2019s so hard to find anything […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[13],"tags":[],"views":4462,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jkuzmier.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/519"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jkuzmier.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jkuzmier.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jkuzmier.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jkuzmier.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=519"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/jkuzmier.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/519\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1402,"href":"https:\/\/jkuzmier.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/519\/revisions\/1402"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jkuzmier.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=519"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jkuzmier.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=519"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jkuzmier.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=519"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}