It had come out of nowhere, this avalanche, the one that deterred Mike and her from reaching the summit of Mt. Rainier, the one that now rendered her incapacitated, frozen. Strange to be lying so still, when she is supposed to be climbing, moving forward. She is tempted to try and get up anyway, but the pain in her leg hurts too much for even her to move. She hates to admit defeat, that the elements have gotten an edge on her. Her whole adult life she has spent in defiance of them. Now she is at Nature\u2019s mercy, must work with Her if she is to survive. She has to keep focused. Mike will soon be back with help, camp is only several hundred feet from here. It is starting to snow. But she must not panic, must keep her mind clear. She must fight her mind even as it wants to sleep, take her away. She must think of overcoming it like the mountains she has always conquered. She will strive for victory; life is victory now. <\/p>\n
Mt. Rainier. This is where the fall happened, this mountain that over the years she and Mike had called friend. They had met each other here, fifteen years ago; she a junior on spring break at the University of Washington, bored with the dryness of her philosophy major, he a climbing guide who supported his death-defying habit with an engineering career which he skipped out on as often as possible. She was twenty, he thirty-eight, but their age difference melted like snow in July in the face of their common goal, getting to the summit. All the members of that first trip worked well, which Mike informed her was not always the case, but from that point on, she and Mike always were a team. <\/p>\n
The fear of death never deterred her from climbing. It was what she wanted to do from the time she was a little girl, before she even knew it was possible that anyone could climb a mountain. When her family went hiking or skiing together, she would look at the landscape, and wonder what it would be like to stand at the top, to feel the victory of climbing to the top. The mountains seemed so majestic, so formidable, so untouchable, like no one could ever conquer them. It was when she was eleven that she discovered that they had been climbed, been conquered. And from then on, she vowed that one day, she would climb the mountain. By the time she did, nine years later, the dream burned alive within her, and there seemed to be nothing that would quench it. <\/p>\n
She was never discouraged from her dream, not even by her parents. They never were the kind of people who thought girls should spend their lives in the servitude of others\u2019 needs, baking cookies all day in the kitchen. If anything, her climbing mountains would just follow in their footsteps. Her sister was a star soccer player in college and her mom was a downhill skier as a young girl, even going so far as to try out for the Olympics but breaking her ankle before she qualified. All the family vacations were outdoor events, skiing in Aspen, hiking in the Appalachians. She told her family her dream on one of these vacations, when they were snowboarding in the White Mountains the winter before she started college. They had always known; they had watched her go off on her own, always heading for the biggest hill she could find, trudging her way determinedly until she reached the top. And somehow, she had known they were always there, too, watching her test her heart. Vocalizing her dream to them made it more a reality, for she was a person who always did what she said she would, did whatever she set out to do. She never forgot the look of pride on her parents\u2019 face as they wished her well in her strivings, but she saw the fear too, the fear that one day she would never come back if she went. <\/p>\n
For fifteen years she had. Her passion had taken her to six continents, for after Mt Rainier it was Mt McKinley in Alaska, then it was the Atlas Mountains in Algeria, the Alps, Mt. Cook in New Zealand, the Andes, and last but not least the famous K2 peak in the Himalayas. She had always wanted to climb Mt. Everest, but the one time she set on an expedition there, a student uprising had forced the Pakistani government from letting foreigners climb there. She had been disappointed but there were always other mountains to climb. Climbing had taught her patience and resilience. When one obstacle blocked your goal, you found another way, and the object was always to climb the mountain. Today was her wedding anniversary. They had come here, the mountain where they had met, to celebrate. Two years. Despite her pain, she smiled. Fifteen years together, and married only two years. She\u2019d been the reluctant one. She had a hard time reconciling a the image of a Mrs. Destined for Suburbia for I Have Married with the image of herself, dangling free over the mountain. But a couple of years ago while climbing in the Andes, Mike fell off a cliff, fracturing his skull and breaking his pelvis. She\u2019d cared for him, agonizing over each painstaking detail of recovery he went through, but he was more worried for her than she was for him. He had been fifty-one, “not getting any younger, champ,” was his words to her. Once he was able, he insisted that they marry, so in case something happened to him, she would be taken care of. They had never discussed what would happen if something should happen to her. At the time she never thought of it. She was a starving writer. What could she provide for him, she reasoned. It was something never discussed. When it boiled down to it, no one could imagine that youth could die until it really happened. <\/p>\n
She thought of the wedding day. They had gotten married in a plane flying over Las Vegas, and once they said their vows, pledging to challenge the other to soar to greater heights, to be a champion for the other when others laughed at their dreams, they jumped out of the plane together, holding hands, opening their chutes at the same moment. Instead of oppression, her first moments of married life were spent in total free fall, but with Mike holding her, she felt total connection. Freedom and unity. It was what she had pledged her life to do, and that was what happened for them both. <\/p>\n
Now, two years later, she was alone on the mountain that had brought them together. This was supposed to have been a celebration, but instead, both were injured. Bad karma, bad luck. They had been about a hundred feet up the cliff when the avalanche hit, and they never saw it coming. They\u2019d been tied together, and they tumbled over one another until they reached the bottom. Just like on their wedding day, they had fallen together, flying through the air, she realized the second she knew she was falling. After the fall, she could not even move, and instead of the abject terror she felt as she tumbled, she felt nothing. She saw Mike, breathing as though he had a heart attack, clutching his chest, but at least he could move. He told her that he thought he broke several of his ribs, that was where it hurt. At least he could hurt. Then she saw her leg, with the bone protruding; blood pouring out of her like a melting glacier. She was bleeding to death. Mike and she agreed that it would be better for him to leave her there and get help himself. She was too much of a burden. It wouldn\u2019t help if both were dead. <\/p>\n
Death. Getting hard to fight against its power, to psych herself from its seduction. Remembering that she is alone now, that her memories of Mike of Mom Dad are only an illusion, nothing tangible that could hold her hand, saying, everything\u2019s ok. Only God\u2019s spirit here in Mother Earth\u2019s home… wind breathing coldly on her face, the blowing snow resting on her freezing face.. Nature is beginning to dig her grave\u2026no\u2026 <\/p>\n
She looks at the face of the cliff that she had fallen off. A familiar looking place, she had climbed it so many times before. Up ahead of it is a small valley, where they had camped several times before. A place of peace. Was it peaceful here now? She wasn\u2019t sure. So pristine, yet danger lurked within its confines. She thought that the mountain had been her friend\u2014had she been betrayed\u2014where was Mike? Was he alive? She sees blood on the jagged parts of the cliff, or was it just how the light was hitting the rock, or was it her blood, irrevocably lost to the elements here? The thought comforts her; of her being buried here in the mountains, her essence unified here. It seemed so fitting for the life she had led. <\/p>\n
Red blood. On the mountains, swimming around her, soaking her in a burial shroud. Mike are you alright, or when it boiled down to it, did you choose yourself over me? It is okay, I forgive you\u2026 God I need to fight, she thinks need to fight against myself, fight fighting but gong nowhere, her brain was becoming colder or was it numb or was it older faster faster speeding towards its final end was that was what death was speeding from youth middle age old age when the body still wanted to be young or was it just a victim of its prison, of its body spilling its blood and the brain in the last minute of life became the mastered\u2026 blood spilling without her brain\u2019s consent. No, her mind had screamed as she fell no, I am free young I have plans for me, trips to go on.. Mount Everest to climb I will have that baby that Mike and I joked about, No I can\u2019t fall can\u2019t die too much life left I am only thirty-five this is a joke No Mom Dad Mike I love you No No No No\u2026\u2026.the brain said, Nooooooooo\u2026\u2026\u2026 <\/p>\n
But she fell anyway. Her body doesn\u2019t care anymore what her mind says. She is here, her blood leaving her for the earth, quiet, it is quiet here, the stillness here flavored with the bitterness of wind bitter end of life\u2026\u2026.. <\/p>\n
She has never really thought about dying, even now as it is really happening. Just living it, this is what she thinks of\u2026 living she is warm now even as she tastes her frozen lips\u2026\u2026ice falls from the trees upon her, she licks her lips and decides that death tasted sweet like licorice\u2026.maybe she was tasting what heaven would be like, though she always thought she\u2019d been living there, high on the mountaintop\u2026\u2026. Here, Mt Rainier\u2026 would she be part of its explosive lava forever full of life\u2026 <\/p>\n
Sun high above her, so clear. High noon. Three hours since she and Mike left together, a journey of their love\u2026\u2026in Sunday school they told her that Jesus had taken three hours to die, and three hours later from the beginning of her journey, so would she\u2026.Jesus had conquered death And so had she\u2026 because she truly had lived life\u2026\u2026 <\/p>\n
\u2026God I come home to you now\u2026\u2026.. <\/p>\n
Mike I love you\u2026. <\/p>\n
The tallest mountain lies forever in front of me\u2026.and I shall climb it\u2026. <\/p>\n
\u2026think of me\u2026\u2026. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
It had come out of nowhere, this avalanche, the one that deterred Mike and her from reaching the summit of Mt. Rainier, the one that now rendered her incapacitated, frozen. Strange to be lying so still, when she is supposed to be climbing, moving forward. She is tempted to try and get up anyway, but […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[13],"tags":[],"views":5234,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jkuzmier.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/263"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jkuzmier.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jkuzmier.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jkuzmier.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jkuzmier.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=263"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/jkuzmier.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/263\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":265,"href":"https:\/\/jkuzmier.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/263\/revisions\/265"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jkuzmier.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=263"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jkuzmier.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=263"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jkuzmier.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=263"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}