{"id":1976,"date":"2012-02-17T08:00:07","date_gmt":"2012-02-17T13:00:07","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jkuzmier.com\/blog\/?p=1976"},"modified":"2012-02-17T08:08:07","modified_gmt":"2012-02-17T13:08:07","slug":"from-dark-to-darker","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jkuzmier.com\/blog\/short-stories\/from-dark-to-darker.htm","title":{"rendered":"From Dark To Darker"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"From<\/a><\/p>\n

\tI wake up, but I don\u2019t know what time it is. I just know it must be day, because I can see the sun through my curtains. So I decide to turn on the lights, because I don\u2019t want to open the curtains, but it’s too bright and hurts my eyes so I shut them off. It\u2019s been like this since I got attacked, not knowing what time it is or what day it is, but I\u2019m getting used to it and I don\u2019t think I want to know anyway. <\/p>\n

\tI think it\u2019s been a month since I\u2019ve been raped, but I don\u2019t know for sure how long ago it was because I keep forgetting the date when it happened. I don\u2019t know what day it is now because I don\u2019t know if it matters. I\u2019m just getting used to saying that I was raped, like I\u2019m supposed to walk around saying \u201cHi, I\u2019m Emily and I\u2019m a rape victim\u201d. It makes me feel like I\u2019m at some weird therapy group like that AA meeting I went to with my parents when my father said he was an alcoholic, back when he still lived here. The counselor Brenda that I met told me, it\u2019s a good idea to say to myself that I was raped, instead of saying I was attacked. She said it will help me realize the seriousness of what happened to me. I\u2019ve been doing that, but I don\u2019t think it\u2019s working because I don\u2019t think it\u2019s helping me realize anything. I still feel numb, ever since it happened that day. I\u2019m really confused. I don\u2019t know what I should do. <\/p>\n

\tMy bedroom door is closed, but I can hear my mother\u2019s voice. She\u2019s worried, because school is starting soon, and the whole school knows about me getting raped. I know this because I heard my mom talking to her friend Crystal the other day when she came over, and Crystal says there\u2019s some kind of video of me with one of the guys, and the whole school has been texting and sharing it all over the place. I don\u2019t really remember what happened, because I was drunk with Troy and Sam, the two guys who raped me. I was with them because I was pissed at my boyfriend Corey, because he was making fun of me in front of everyone at Melissa\u2019s party, so I went with Troy and Sam to get Corey jealous. They\u2019re really popular in school, and every girl I know wants to sleep with them. But I just wanted Corey to see me drinking with them. I didn\u2019t want to have sex with Sam and Troy, not with the entire planet watching me, anyway. I just wanted to get stoned and drunk, and forget about the fight I had with Corey. I hate fighting with him. He\u2019s the first boy I ever loved. <\/p>\n

\tI don\u2019t even remember talking to the police after I got raped. I don\u2019t even know how the police even got involved. I don\u2019t think I called them. But my mother says we pressed charges against Sam and Troy and they got arrested, although they\u2019re not in jail now, so they had to be involved somehow. That\u2019s how I got to meet the counselor, at the police station, although I don\u2019t remember meeting her at all. Her name is Brenda. I talk with her at her office at this clinic, not the police station. Mom takes me there, to the office, but never goes in with me. She stays in the car, although one time I saw through the window in Brenda\u2019s office that she took off. I don\u2019t like the office building that Brenda works in, because all these women smile at me like I\u2019m retarded or something. Besides, the whole place smells like stale air, like people forgot how to breathe or something weird. I think the whole thing really sucks. Brenda smiles at me the same way as the others, like I need special ed. I hate going there, and I hate talking to Brenda, but I have to if I want to remember what Troy and Sam did to me. That’s what everyone says will happen. <\/p>\n

\tMaybe everyone told me what happened, but I forget. It\u2019s hard to remember anything since I got attacked. Brenda says I\u2019ll remember, little by little, if I keep talking about it. I don\u2019t know if I want to remember. But my mom and Brenda say that if I want Sam and Troy to go to jail for a long time, I have to remember. Because it\u2019s mostly because of my story that they are being charged. Everyone says I was drunk, and I think this doesn\u2019t help. I might have to see Sam and Troy at school if they don\u2019t go to jail. I used to kind of like them because I thought they were hot, but now when I think of them I want to kill them. So that\u2019s why I want them to go to jail, so I don\u2019t have to see them at school, and maybe I can just forget about what happened to me. I wish Corey were here. Even though he made fun of me and we fought that day, I really miss him. He\u2019s the nicest boy I\u2019ve ever been with, and I\u2019m sorry I got so mad at him that I wound up getting raped. I don\u2019t think I\u2019ve seen him since the attack, but I don\u2019t remember. <\/p>\n

\tMy mom is still talking on the phone, but I don\u2019t want her to see me. I don\u2019t want her to get all weird and helicopter-like on me, touching me all the time. Since I was raped, I hate people touching me. I just want the pain to go away. Which is weird, because I feel numb at the same time I hurt so much, and this makes me feel confused. I wish I had a cigarette, but to get one I have to go out and deal with my mom. Everything is really jumpy in me, maybe because I\u2019m craving the cigarette. But I don\u2019t know. Everything feels weird, and at least if I stay in my room, I feel better because I don\u2019t have to deal with anyone. I\u2019ve been in my room pretty much for the last month, unless I\u2019m at the counselor. I guess because I\u2019ve been here so much it feels safe. When I was raped, I was at Melissa\u2019s house because she had a party. She has parties all of the time, and I usually go because we\u2019re pretty good friends. The video of me shows me at Melissa\u2019s house, Brenda told me. I think Melissa\u2019s parents were there, but I forget. Sometimes they\u2019re there when she has parties, and sometimes they\u2019re not. But anyway, Brenda says that the video shows me kissing Troy really deeply, and a bunch of people were cheering me on. I\u2019m the one who kissed him first, the video seems to show. I haven\u2019t seen the video, and I don\u2019t know who shot it. I\u2019m too afraid to see it. Crystal told my mom that the video doesn\u2019t help my case because I kissed Troy. I was in my room when Crystal said this, so I can\u2019t be sure, but I think I heard my mother begin to cry. <\/p>\n

\tShe\u2019s crying now as she\u2019s on the phone. She cries a lot now, both with me alone and with her friends. It really annoys me when she cries like this, especially when no one is around, because then she gets all pushy on me. She\u2019ll grab me, and say things like, \u201cWhat are we going to do? What are we going to do?\u201d I don\u2019t know why she keeps asking me that. I don\u2019t know if I\u2019m supposed to give her a suggestion, so I usually say nothing, and she just cries more. I want to help her stop. It really makes me crazy when she cries. It\u2019s even worse when she cries while she\u2019s on the phone, because I can\u2019t do anything to stop her because I\u2019m not supposed to be listening. It\u2019s even more annoying when she cries to her friends, because, she cries in a sniffly way when she\u2019s on the phone, pretending she\u2019s all dignified or whatever like she\u2019s some rich actress on a yacht. I wish if she were going to cry all the time around me, she\u2019d do it like she does when she\u2019s on the phone with her friends. She makes me feel guilty, because I\u2019m the one who was drunk and who wanted to make Corey jealous. I wish he were here, but I\u2019m afraid of what he\u2019ll say. I try to think of him kissing me and holding me, but it keeps turning into a monster, remembering some feeling of being held down like I\u2019m underwater. I\u2019m not sure why, because Corey\u2019s the best lover I ever had. I keep feeling bad about everything, but I don\u2019t know how I do when I don\u2019t feel anything. It\u2019s all too weird, and I really want a cigarette. Maybe I can sneak past my mom, since she\u2019s on the phone, so I slip the door open. I hear her talking clearly now to her BFF Crystal, yapping and whining about me like she does all the time.<\/p>\n

\tSo this is what I hear. \u201cI don\u2019t know, Crys,\u201d she says in the phone. \u201cWhat can I do? I\u2019ve talked to the school about the Facebook page. They can\u2019t do anything, because the whole thing didn\u2019t take place on school ground. And there is that video with her and that boy Troy. So it\u2019s not even like they\u2019re lying online, or even really saying they had sex with her, so I don\u2019t even have that on my side. I don\u2019t know what to do. I don\u2019t know what to do. Other than the fact that she was yelling for help, there\u2019s no other evidence that she was raped. They used condoms, she wasn\u2019t hurt at all, and she took a shower afterwards, I guess so she would think I don’t know she’s getting laid everywhere, so if there was any evidence she washed it away. So now it\u2019s like everyone\u2019s saying she just yelled rape just to make noise, and there’s nothing to say otherwise. I\u2019m beginning to think that Tom and Lisa just called the cops the next day, because they wanted to cover their asses having a bunch of minors getting drunk in their house. They were probably afraid someone else would get to the cops first. I wish someone would throw their asses in jail for letting kids get drunk in their house, but you know how it is, I guess money talks and I don’t have it. I just don\u2019t know what to do. I\u2019ve tried so hard ever since her father walked out on us, and I can\u2019t seem to keep any of it together. I know she\u2019s having sex with that jerk Corey that I can\u2019t stand, because I\u2019ve seen the used condoms in the trash. So here she is, getting drunk, sleeping around with everyone, and she\u2019s only fifteen years old. Fifteen! I mean, I had sex early, but even I was a virgin back then. And with the video her sticking her tongue down the one guy\u2019s throat, it isn\u2019t helping at all. Not at all. What am I going to do? I can\u2019t afford to send her to private school, and her asshole father isn\u2019t going to pay for anything. I just don\u2019t know what to do with her.\u201d There\u2019s a long pause before my mother starts up her whine again. \u201cOh, that would be great, to do that. But how can I afford rehab? The medical insurance at the office won\u2019t pay for a rehab. So I can\u2019t do that. And I can\u2019t homeschool her. I\u2019m having an impossible time keeping up with the bills as it is. I just don\u2019t know what I\u2019m going to do…\u201d<\/p>\n

\tI tuned out her whining at this point, ignoring her. I’m sick of her calling me a slut, making my rape all about her and her stupid problems. Especially when she was a bitch to my father, and deserved to be walked out on when she\u2019s the one who cheated on him first. At first, it sort of blew past me, all of the crap she\u2019s saying. Because it\u2019s stuff I\u2019ve heard her say over the years, how she\u2019s less a slut than me or whatever. But when she mentioned the Facebook page, my mind gets stuck on that. I don\u2019t know what she means by this Facebook page she talked about, at least the one that’s somehow special in some way. I haven\u2019t been on the computer at all since that night, at least I don\u2019t think I\u2019ve been. It\u2019s weird because I feel my heart get really hard and thick, thumping in me. I start shivering, but my cheeks feel hot. I get a strange flash in my mind where I hear people laughing in a really mean way. My legs are having trouble keeping me standing. I can see the back of my mother\u2019s head as she goes on about all the problems I\u2019ve caused her, but she hasn\u2019t turned in my direction which is good because it means she hasn\u2019t seen me. I don\u2019t seem to want a cigarette as much anymore, which is good because my legs feel so weak and I really need to sit down. So I slip back into my room, close the door really quietly. She didn\u2019t even know that I was there, listening.<\/p>\n

\tI look about my room when I close the door and sit down on my bed. There\u2019s just enough light in the room to make everything highlighted around the edges. It\u2019s really weird, but it\u2019s almost like since I\u2019ve been here so much for the last month, I haven’t really noticed what\u2019s in my room. I don\u2019t know if that makes sense. But nothing has made sense for awhile to me. Everything seems to be some strange background set for a movie, like my computer, my TV, my dresser with my makeup, and the stuffed animals I can\u2019t quite seem to throw away even though I’m fifteen. Things are really messy and sloppy, and even though everyone thinks that\u2019s the way all teenagers are that\u2019s not true. Before I got raped, I kept everything perfectly neat. I used to clean the house a lot too, because my mom was working so much until I got attacked and now she\u2019s taking a lot of time off. But I haven\u2019t been cleaning at all, the house or the bed, and the floor\u2019s so messy with clothes and food wrappers I can\u2019t even recognize it\u2019s part of my room. I don\u2019t even know who I am anymore, seeing how I\u2019m letting myself live like this. But I don\u2019t have the energy to do anything about it. I guess it was better when I didn\u2019t see it, because I don\u2019t feel any better now that I did. <\/p>\n

\tI look up at the ceiling, to get my mind away from the disgusting mess I can\u2019t deal with on the floor. There\u2019s a poster of the Jonas Brothers on the ceiling above my bed that my friend Jody gave me for my fifteenth birthday, because she knows how much I love them. Before I got raped, I\u2019d imagine myself making love to Nick in particular. But now, it\u2019s just a poster and doesn\u2019t mean anything. My mom said Nick was on TV the other day, but I didn\u2019t bother to see him on it. I don\u2019t really care about him anymore, and it feels weird that I wanted to make love to him and for some reason, I don\u2019t want to remember that anymore. <\/p>\n

\tSo I stand on my bed and rip the poster down. I begin tearing it up into little pieces, saving Nick\u2019s face for last. I look at him, smiling back at me, and almost decide to spare him. But I don\u2019t. It\u2019s just a stupid poster, and he\u2019d probably just write me off as a slut even if he did know me, just like everyone else has it seems. I rip him in half, then into smaller and smaller faces until his face is gone completely. I look at the pile of paper in front of me, but I\u2019m too tired to throw it away, and just push it off the bed. <\/p>\n

\tIt\u2019s been so quiet here. I don\u2019t remember the last time I was on the computer to check out Facebook or Formspring or anything else, and I haven\u2019t called anybody either. I don\u2019t think I\u2019ve looked at my phone in awhile so I don\u2019t know if anyone has called me, although I do remember my mom calling through my door saying somebody called for me on the landline. I didn\u2019t take the call because it\u2019s hard for me to talk to anyone now. It was probably my grandmother or somebody old like that, because most of my friends would only call me on my phone. My dad hasn\u2019t called, but that\u2019s not really weird because he hasn\u2019t called much since my mother screamed at him to get out of our lives after he caught her cheating. I don\u2019t think Corey called either, but I don\u2019t know. I think that\u2019s why I haven\u2019t checked my phone, or gone on the computer. I don\u2019t want to find out that he hasn\u2019t called me since the rape. He\u2019s told me he loved me a couple of times. I don\u2019t know how I could handle it if he hasn\u2019t called at all. But I guess I\u2019ll have to find out eventually, one day. <\/p>\n

\tBesides, the conversation that I overheard with my mom and her friend Crystal weirds me out. Even as I was killing off Nick, I was remembering what my mom said about the Facebook page. I look at the computer, and my heart is really pumping wildly, and as this happens I get this weird flash in my head of people laughing again. I don\u2019t know why this is happening. It creeps me out, and then I think I\u2019m an idiot because I\u2019m standing here freaking out over a computer. I\u2019m probably going to find out whatever\u2019s on that page, one day, so maybe I should find out now. Maybe this sounds weird, but I had trouble turning on the computer. My hands were shaking, like people with Parkinson\u2019s. I had trouble remembering my password. Everything seemed like a strange blank to me. But I managed to do it. <\/p>\n

\tI go to my Facebook page. I don\u2019t post a lot, but I do have some photos there. It says I\u2019m in a relationship, but not with who because Corey didn\u2019t really want our sex life broadcasted everywhere, which bothered me but I know he\u2019s private and on his page, you can only see stuff if you\u2019re a friend of his. When I went to my page last time, I had 269 friends because I\u2019m friends with a lot of people in the school and also a lot of their families. But that\u2019s not the number anymore. It\u2019s down to 24. It\u2019s really weird, like I\u2019m watching someone else\u2019s life as I scroll through the list. So many people have unfriended me I can\u2019t even keep track. But it\u2019s when I get to \u201cC\u201d that I feel everything go strange. There\u2019s my cousin Chris, then my mother\u2019s friend Crystal. Corey should be in between them, and he isn\u2019t. Something has to be wrong. So I search for him on Facebook, and there are four guys with his name and no picture, like last time I searched his name. I have to click on all of them, and for all of them they say if I know Corey and want to know more about him, I need to send a friend request. None of them have a relationship status. I don\u2019t know what has happened. I feel really dizzy, looking at the screen. <\/p>\n

\tMaybe something has gone really wrong, like Facebook messed up or something like it sometimes does. So I go to my page again to see my friend list to see maybe if something screwed up, and see that even Melissa has unfriended me. But she\u2019s the kind where it really doesn\u2019t make a difference if she\u2019s your friend or not, because she broadcasts everything to everyone anyway, so I go there to her page. She\u2019s got all kinds of photos of all the people who were at this other party she had, but from what I can tell it\u2019s of a different one than the one I got raped at because it\u2019s outside. It was raining the day I went to the party at her house, for some reason I remembered that. At this other party she has posted, I see a whole bunch of people I recognize, because I\u2019ve partied with all of them before. A lot of them were my friends on Facebook, at least until a month ago. It\u2019s strange because even though they seem to be familiar like I know I\u2019ve seen them before, it\u2019s like I don\u2019t really know who they are. They all seem to be having a great time, laughing and probably drinking too, even though none of the pictures show that happening because Melissa is paranoid that she\u2019ll get busted by the police. Everyone\u2019s gone on living life without me. Do they even care what happened to me?<\/p>\n

\tI can\u2019t help it, but I look through all the pictures she has. I don\u2019t know why. I guess I just can\u2019t believe that everyone has forgotten about me. Then I see a picture of Melissa kissing someone, and I can\u2019t believe it. She\u2019s kissing Troy. Even after all that happened to me, she\u2019s going out with him? Then I see another picture, of Sam jumping into the pool with a couple of other guys. They\u2019re all laughing together. They\u2019re even on her friend list when I check it, like Corey is and I\u2019m not. Why is Melissa friends with Sam and Troy when she knows what happened? Nobody seems mad at them at all. But they all have deserted me. What the f&*% is wrong with everyone? <\/p>\n

\tI just keep flipping back and forth through the pictures, with everyone sitting by the pool, having a great time. I wish there were pictures of them drinking, so I could call the cops on them, I hate them so much. I hate that Melissa knows how to play the game of getting away with her shit, at least on her page. I want to go to one of her parties just to take a picture of them drinking and tag it to my page, so I have proof. But I guess no one even believes I\u2019ve been raped, because everyone is hanging out with Sam and Troy like they\u2019re the greatest guys. I don\u2019t even think my mother believes me. So why bother trying to get some shit on them? Everyone would probably just laugh at me, and my mother would just whine about me on the phone with some dork. My head is exploding, and I feel sick. <\/p>\n

\tBut it isn\u2019t the worst thing at all, seeing everyone at this party. There’s a picture of Corey. He\u2019s sitting on Melissa\u2019s deck, and he\u2019s got his arm around this girl Aimee. She\u2019s this girl who\u2019s always been hitting on him when he’s been going out with me, and now there\u2019s this picture of him and her together online. He looks happy with her. Happier than he ever was with me, because his smile is really big and wide. We fight so much lately that I forgot what his smile looked like. Now I get to see his big smile, but this isn\u2019t the way I wanted him to be happy. My eyes are full of pressure, but I can\u2019t even cry. Everything hurts inside me so much, that it\u2019s like nothing in me knows what to do with it. Everything hurts so bad it feels like nothing, even as I go to my wall and see what I expect to see now that everyone hates me. There\u2019s a whole bunch of shit like \u201cEmily B is a slut!\u201d, \u201cHow many guys can a skank do at the same time? Ask Emily! She\u2019ll show you, live and in the flesh!\u201d \u201cHo, ho ho, Emily can go go go!\u201d All kinds of crap like this from people who were once my friends. They all were posted three weeks ago or so. All from people who were once on my friend list but are now gone. Corey said nothing at all, before he cyberdumped me by unfriending me. When I go to my Formspring page, it\u2019s even worse. It says stuff like, \u201cWhy are you a slut?\u201d \u201cWhy did you f@&* over Corey?\u201d \u201cHow many guys have you done it with?\u201d \u201cCan I bring over three of my friends and f@&* you?\u201d \u201cAre you going to do porn for a living or are you going to keep doing it for free?\u201d<\/p>\n

\tI want to throw up, but it gets stuck in my throat because I don\u2019t know when it was the last time I ate or drank anything. I look at all the crap on my pages, and I don\u2019t know what to do. I know Brenda said I should keep a record of things like this, because it might be evidence. But I don\u2019t know what it\u2019s evidence of other than everyone\u2019s turned into a bunch of haters. But maybe they aren\u2019t haters, if they\u2019re all telling the truth about me. I mean, I don\u2019t remember what happened, at all. I sort of remember kissing Troy, and I do remember it felt good at first and I thought he was a good kisser. The next was that I remember feeling really smothered, and maybe that was when I screamed and I guess that\u2019s when Melissa\u2019s parents showed up. I really don\u2019t know. Maybe I did f@&* over Corey. I have an overwhelming urge to talk to him, like now. I want to tell him I\u2019m sorry. Maybe I\u2019m just overreacting, and nothing\u2019s going on between him and Aimee. He must be so mad at me, and I feel like such a slut that two guys did it to me with him knowing, even if I was raped which I\u2019m getting really confused about it even happening now. I don\u2019t know if it\u2019s better if I was raped, or if I wasn\u2019t. Everyone hates me, anyway, and I don\u2019t even know what it is that they hate me for. <\/p>\n

\tI forget where I put my phone, because it\u2019s not plugged in so I have to look under all my clothes to find them. I haven\u2019t been doing a lot of laundry lately, so all my dirty clothes are like everywhere and it takes me a really long time to find my phone under all of them. The longer it takes me, the more I seem to fumble around, bumping into my bed and my dressers and tripping on stuff on the floor. But I find it, and turn it on. I shouldn\u2019t be surprised when I see that no one has called me, including Corey. No texts, nothing. Like I didn\u2019t exist, when I used to get texts all of the time, especially from Corey. They really don\u2019t care, none of them. Not even Corey. But even though it\u2019s been so long, I am able to punch the numbers to call Corey by heart, without even speed dialing it. I don\u2019t know why, but I need to know that I can still remember something about him, which is why I call him like that. I know his number by heart because I memorized it as soon as he gave it to me. I let the phone ring, and I feel so terrified, but I need to hear him even if he hates me. It\u2019s better than not hearing his voice, at all. <\/p>\n

\t\u201cHello?\u201d It\u2019s a girl\u2019s voice, really high pitched. I forget if Aimee\u2019s voice sounds like that. But it was definitely not Corey who answered, so I hang up. Maybe I have the wrong number. Maybe I have forgotten Corey\u2019s number. It\u2019s so sad, because I really want to remember him, instead of remembering other things. I speed-dial the number I have for him. Maybe I\u2019m going crazy, but when I look at the number I have in my phone, I could have swore that\u2019s what I dialed. <\/p>\n

\t\u201cHello?\u201d It\u2019s Corey\u2019s voice this time, I definitely recognize it. He sounds like he was just laughing with someone. My stomach feels sick again, and I have to swallow hard to fight it off. \u201cHello? Who\u2019s this?\u201d. Corey sounds pissed now, like he\u2019s attacking something. <\/p>\n

\tI can barely speak, hearing his voice after wanting to talk to him for so long. Somehow I manage to say,\u201cCorey?\u201d<\/p>\n

\tIt\u2019s really quiet for like I don\u2019t know how long. I think I hear someone laughing in the back, and then I hear Corey cursing, but not on the phone. I almost hang up, but then Corey is back. \u201cWhat do you want, Emily?\u201d<\/p>\n

\tHe doesn\u2019t sound pissed anymore. He sounds almost bored. I almost wish he was pissed like before, like in a weird way it would be better. I feel like I\u2019m going to barf out my heart. \u201cI just wanted to talk to you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\t\u201cAbout what.\u201d It doesn\u2019t sound like he really wants to know. <\/p>\n

\t\u201cI don\u2019t know. I just wanted to talk to you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\t\u201cWhy?\u201d There\u2019s someone laughing again in the back, and I swear I hear Corey saying, \u201cShut the f@&* up! I want to get this shit over with.\u201d I wish I could die right there. I almost hang up when Corey gets back on the phone. \u201cSo what\u2019s up. Are you okay?\u201d<\/p>\n

\tI suddenly feel happy. He does still care about me. He has said he loves me, so maybe he\u2019s just been pissed because he\u2019s upset about what I did. So I say, \u201cNo. I really miss you and want to see you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\tNow there\u2019s laughing, and it\u2019s definitely Corey this time. \u201cWell, you can forget about that shit. You kissed that ass goodbye when you decided to f@&* me over with Troy and Sam and humiliate me. Do you know how many people were laughing at me that day?\u201d<\/p>\n

\t\u201cBut they attacked me. I was screaming, people told me that. I just wanted to get drunk with them.\u201d I feel like I\u2019m reading some fake script, but I feel like my face is getting slapped. I don\u2019t know why.<\/p>\n

\t\u201cOh, you were screaming all right.\u201d He\u2019s laughing. I hear someone, like a girl saying something like \u201cOh, oh, oh, no, no, no, yes, yes, yes! I like it nice and rough because I’m a ho ho ho!!\u201d Then I hear Corey saying, \u201cAimee, grow the f@&* up.\u201d But he\u2019s laughing as he\u2019s saying it. And it\u2019s like my worst nightmare, he\u2019s with Aimee, of all people, and he\u2019s laughing at me with her. I wonder how much people saw, like if everyone saw me having sex with two guys, and I wonder if I was screaming, why no one stopped them at all when everyone was there at the party. I wonder what Corey saw, and if he did why he didn\u2019t help. I have to know, while I still have him on the phone, even though everything is spinning.<\/p>\n

\t\u201cHow do you know? Did you watch or something?\u201d<\/p>\n

\t\u201cI saw enough.\u201d <\/p>\n

\tMt heart is killing me it’s pounding so hard as I say, \u201cI don\u2019t know what that means.\u201d<\/p>\n

\t\u201cOh, come on. You\u2019re telling me you don\u2019t remember?\u201d<\/p>\n

\tI can’t stand that he doesn’t believe me. \u201cNo. I don\u2019t really know at all.\u201d<\/p>\n

\t\u201cOh. So how the f@&* do you know you were raped, if you don\u2019t remember? Not everyone believes that you were, you know. It\u2019s a big topic.\u201d I can’t believe the boy I fell in love with is saying this to me. I hear Aimee scream, \u201cBigger than the Kardashians!\u201d and Corey say, \u201cAimee, get lost. Go put on your makeup or something.\u201d But he\u2019s laughing. He\u2019s not pissed at her at all.<\/p>\n

\t\u201cWho\u2019s with you?\u201d I know already, but I hope it\u2019s just part of this nightmare I\u2019m stuck in. \u201cAre you with Aimee?\u201d<\/p>\n

\t\u201cWhat difference does it make to you? You made your choice that night, having sex with two guys that weren\u2019t me. So it\u2019s none of your business who I\u2019m with. I\u2019ve moved on. That\u2019s all you need to know.\u201d<\/p>\n

\tI feel like I\u2019m like an idiot saying this, but my heart and everything inside me is screaming inside of me when I ask, \u201cYou\u2019re breaking up with me?\u201d<\/p>\n

\t\u201cWhat\u2019s there to break up? Tell me that, Emily.\u201d<\/p>\n

\tI don\u2019t know what to say, so I just be silent. It\u2019s then I notice I\u2019m crying. I don\u2019t even know when it started. The crying makes my head feel worse, but I can\u2019t stop. \u201cWe were together for eight months, that\u2019s what. I thought you loved me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\t\u201cI\u2019m sorry. I don\u2019t know what to tell you. I can\u2019t be with you, Emily, not after that night. Even if you were raped.\u201d<\/p>\n

\t\u201cWhy not?\u201d<\/p>\n

\t\u201cWhy not? You\u2019re really asking that? Are you out of your f@&*ing mind?\u201d<\/p>\n

\t\u201cCorey, I\u2019m sorry. I was just so mad at you that night. I didn\u2019t mean anything.\u201d<\/p>\n

\t\u201cExcept getting drunk with the biggest players of the school. Good thing I took the video. You see it yet?\u201d<\/p>\n

\tEverything goes blank. \u201cYou took that video?\u201d<\/p>\n

\t\u201cWhat did you think I\u2019d do, when my girlfriend is literally f@&*ing me over in front of the whole school? Sit there and put up with it as you\u2019re sticking your tongue down some asshole\u2019s throat? You know I can\u2019t stand those dipshits, and that\u2019s what you decide to do just because you\u2019re on the rag with me? No, I didn’t stay for the whole show, so I\u2019m sorry if you got raped or whatever. But I\u2019m glad I got everyone on my side with that shit, seeing you throwing yourself at those assholes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\tIf I didn\u2019t feel so desperate, I\u2019d tell him to f@&* off. But everyone hates me so much, I can\u2019t handle it that the first boy I loved hates me worse than everyone else. I\u2019m trembling as I say, \u201cCorey, I\u2019m so sorry. I\u2019ll do anything to make it up to you. Just don\u2019t leave me. I need you so much.\u201d<\/p>\n

\t\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n

\t\u201cPlease, Corey? I love you so much! It\u2019s all my fault, Corey! I\u2019m sorry I did anything with anyone. Please, don\u2019t leave me! I need you with me, everyone else is such an asshole! Please?\u201d<\/p>\n

\t\u201cGod, Emily! No! No f@&* ing way! What do you want from me? How can I even go into school with you, hearing \u2018There\u2019s the rape victim!\u2019 \u2018There\u2019s the rape victim!\u2019 \u201cNo, she didn\u2019t get raped, she likes doing it with everyone\u2019. \u2018She got what she deserved, stupid whore!\u2019 And you expect me to put up with that, when everyone saw what happened? Do you think I want to be seen as an idiot, hanging out with you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\t\u201cBut it wasn\u2019t my fault!\u201d I don\u2019t know if that\u2019s true anymore. But it might, and I want Corey to take my side, like he has so many times before. <\/p>\n

\tBut he doesn\u2019t. \u201cLike hell it wasn\u2019t! What the f@&* were you thinking, getting drunk with Samuel and Troy like that? What did you think would happen? As far as I can see, you wanted to get it on with both of them. It\u2019s not like they beat you up, or anything. Everyone saw that. So maybe you liked it. How should I know?\u201d<\/p>\n

\t\u201cBecause it wasn\u2019t like that. You have to trust me!\u201d<\/p>\n

\t\u201cI have to trust you? Are you f@&*ing sick? You\u2019re the one that got drunk with the two biggest addicts in the school. I couldn\u2019t believe it. That\u2019s why I took the video of it, in case you tried to pull this shit that you were some innocent victim! You were the one getting drunk with them! Do you think they even liked you? They just wanted to f@&* you because you do it with everyone!\u201d<\/p>\n

\t\u201cWhat?! I don\u2019t do—\u201d<\/p>\n

\t\u201cOh come on! I know you weren\u2019t even a virgin when you got with me. You probably did it when you were ten.\u201d I hear Aimee saying, \u201cOh, oh oh, yes yes yes!\u201d, but Corey ignores her. \u201cYou know what? I take back what I said before. I don\u2019t feel bad at all for you. If you did get raped, you got what you deserved. I don\u2019t feel bad for taking the video of you at all. You f@&*ed me over, so you had it coming. Don\u2019t ever call me again, you bitch.\u201d He slams the phone down, and everything goes silent. But then I hear a strange howl, and then I realize it\u2019s coming from me. I sound like an animal. I\u2019d probably be better off if I were, because people are such assholes I hate all of them. I don\u2019t know what happened. It\u2019s like the world looked at me, and told me to f@&* off. Everyone can just go to hell. <\/p>\n

\tI want to get drunk so badly, and I know where my mother keeps all her shit. If she bothers me, she can just go to hell and tell her friends what a slut I am and how I ruined her life, like she\u2019s so perfect. Besides, the house is all quiet now, which means she left and didn\u2019t even say goodbye to me. No one did, not even Corey. I want to go over to Corey\u2019s house and kill him. I wish I could drive a car, so I could run him over and mash him into little pieces. I hate him worse than Troy or Sam. Now, I\u2019m glad I screwed him over. He\u2019s such an stupid idiot, parading a video of me kissing someone else in front of him. When I look at Facebook on Troy\u2019s page, it\u2019s plastered on his wall. He says under it, \u201cLooks like the f@&*ing bitch is enjoying herself to me!\u201d It\u2019s been tagged all over the place. When I play the video, there\u2019s cheering in the back. Someone yells, \u201cF@&* the skank!\u201d Troy starts moving in on me more, and then the video cuts out. <\/p>\n

\tI also go to Aimee\u2019s page, and see that she says she\u2019s in a relationship with Corey. I don\u2019t know what I feel when I see this. I want to punch the computer, throw up, and kill the next person I see. Corey was so secretive about his status with me, but he\u2019s with Aimee for two weeks and it’s plastered all over the planet. She\u2019s uploaded a photo of her kissing Corey, and you can see her sticking her tongue down his throat, and I can tell he likes it. It looks like the one Corey took of me kissing Troy. F@&* her, she\u2019s a bitch. And Corey is an asshole. Everyone is an asshole. But they are all out there, and I\u2019m here. Alone. No one is texting me, no one is calling me, even my mom has run away from me. I don\u2019t know what the f@&* I\u2019ve done to deserve any of this, everyone else thinks they\u2019re innocent and thinks they\u2019re some kind of victim. I hate them all.<\/p>\n

\tBut before I get drunk, I go back to the computer. I delete my Facebook account. I delete my Formspring account. I imagine Brenda getting all shocked on me, saying I\u2019m not standing up for myself. That it\u2019s important to make a stand, to remember so others don\u2019t wind up in the same place as me. As I delete my pages, I remembering her saying stupid shit like that to me, like it\u2019s supposed to make me feel better. I don\u2019t even know what that means, to make a stand so others don\u2019t wind up in the same place as me. So if I don\u2019t run out and do as Brenda says, it\u2019s my fault if some other girl gets raped? It’s bad enough that everyone’s blaming me for getting raped or whatever myself, I have to be responsible for the whole world now? I\u2019m so sick of everyone, they all make me sick with their shit. That bitch Brenda wants me to spend all my time remembering, but I don\u2019t want to anymore. It\u2019s not her f@&*ing life, anyway.<\/p>\n

\tSoon, I\u2019m getting drunk, on a bottle of vodka that tastes like weird strawberry. My mom thinks she\u2019s less of drunk when she gets these messed up flavored alcohol, kind of her like thinking she\u2019s less of a slut than me when she\u2019s the one who cheated on my dad first. The vodka goes down nice once I get over the weird taste, and I\u2019m glad that no one is around as it burns into me. It takes the edge off of what I\u2019m thinking, because when I sit here with all the curtains closed and for some reason everything goes from dark to darker, I don\u2019t know if everyone\u2019s right or not. If they all believe that I\u2019m to blame, maybe I am. I don\u2019t know, because I don\u2019t remember anything. But they don\u2019t want me anyway, so I guess none of it matters, anymore. But then, if they don\u2019t care about me and never did, I don\u2019t see why I should ever care about them, ever again. They can all kiss my ass.<\/p>\n

\tThe sun is going away. I can tell, because the light through my curtains is getting less and less. Soon, it\u2019s raining out because I hear it tapping on the window. I don\u2019t know why, but it makes me feel better. I think of Aimee getting wet and freaking out on Corey, getting all high maintenance on him. Well, he got what he deserved, too, hooking up with such a stupid airhead, if he\u2019s asshole enough to think I deserved to be raped. The alcohol makes me feel warm, and the rain is coming down harder, on everyone in the world who screwed me over. The world can go to hell, but I\u2019m still here, safe and dry away from them. I smile, thinking of this. I don\u2019t remember much since I got screwed over, but I seem to remember this. It\u2019s the first time I\u2019ve smiled in months. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I wake up, but I don\u2019t know what time it is. I just know it must be day, because I can see the sun through my curtains. So I decide to turn on the lights, because I don\u2019t want to open the curtains, but it’s too bright and hurts my eyes so I shut them […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[13],"tags":[],"views":4076,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jkuzmier.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1976"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jkuzmier.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jkuzmier.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jkuzmier.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jkuzmier.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1976"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/jkuzmier.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1976\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2080,"href":"https:\/\/jkuzmier.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1976\/revisions\/2080"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jkuzmier.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1976"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jkuzmier.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1976"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jkuzmier.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1976"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}