Too Hip For Those Mom Pants

Too Hip For Those Mom Pants by J. Kuzmier --  photo by John B. at
“…and hon! you look so good! Where did you get the sweater?”

“Oh, this thing? Well, you know. You wouldn’t believe it, but it’s old. From back home. I just haven’t had any reason to wear it anyplace here. And I can’t believe I’m walking around wearing it, but it’s so hard to find anything good to buy in this stinking place. My crap from ten years ago is more hip. I wish I were back home where I could shop for real. The malls here suck!”

“Yeah, I know, right? It’s like, they just haven’t heard of like, fashion, for Christ’s sake. Everyone here dresses like a bunch of hokey hicks. It’s like they all have a mass case of depression here but are too ignorant to know it. It makes me want to up my antidepressants. ”

“I know, I know. My dumb husband thinks everyone here is so nice. But what does he know? He can’t read people at all.”

“I know! If he dressed himself, he’d look like everyone around here.”

“I know, like a bum. He just doesn’t get it.”

“Men. They are just like, so clueless. I mean, just his whole thing about moving here to live in the country crap. He wants to ‘live natural’. You know what that means, right?”

“Oh, sure! He gets to sit outside all day pointing a gun at a deer falling asleep with a six pack. You get to stay at home in the middle of nowhere with no stores, like anywhere. Then he comes back to a home cooked meal, cooked by who?”

“It’s just so ridiculous. My luck, if he ever kills one of those stupid things, he’ll drag it home whole, so me the ‘little woman’ can do all of the gross stuff. I’m just glad he’s too stupid to know how to shoot the thing.”

“What’s with these dumbass guys? They get these idiotic ideas of thinking they’re some kind of mountain man. Meanwhile, the closest my guy has gotten to hiking a mountain was climbing up the Statue of Liberty. It just makes no sense.”

“And why would they want to be a mountain man anyway? Most of them are like, so disgusting. I mean, have they ever heard of a shower?”

“Well, I guess that explains the women around here. They can’t take care of themselves, or their men.”

“I know! Haven’t these women ever heard of jeans that fit? They wear ‘mom pants’ even when they’re in public. They all look like potato sacks. ”

“That’s because they are potato sacks. Have you seen how fat they are?”

“How could I not? They take up the whole aisle in the store. God, learn to push yourself away from the plate, please. It is disgusting.”

“It’s because all they eat is fast food. They don’t know how to eat food like we learned back home.”

“There’s no good restaurants here! No one knows how to cook!”

“I know. It’s a shame. I can’t believe I let my stupid guy make me come here to live. He’s such a jerk, and I’m the idiot who keeps trusting him.”

“Oh, I know. What we do for those guys, and look where it gets us. Nowhere.”

“Uh-huh. That’s exactly where we are, hon. The middle of nowhere.”

The girl behind the counter sighed as she listened to the two women complaining. She then asked: “Are you going to order anything?”

6 Responses to “Too Hip For Those Mom Pants”

  1. febri says:

    what a loving couple, nicely put though 🙂

  2. Mary says:

    I found this piece very entertaining , It put a smile on my face.
    Thank’s. 😀